I'm not the kind of person who gets excited over upcoming (or even current) events. I must say, though, I'm definately getting
something over my going back to
Rochester. It's not so much excitement or anticipation...more of a longing. A real nostalgic kinda thing. As I'm sure I mentioned before somewhere on the Internet, I tend to remember small, stupid, insignificant details as opposed to the larger and more important ones. Sure enough, it was something insignificant that reminded me of Rochester and started the whole feeling. I heard a commercial while at work. It was stupid and I had heard it about four times already that day. That reminded me of the stupid late-night commercials they showed on tv while I was at school. Stupid, right? But still it brought up some kind of feeling and it has stuck with me.
Now I'm done working for the summer and I have only about a week before I go back. A customer mentioned something to me one time. He was a strange man, but interesting. He made it a point of, or rather built a point off of, my use of the word 'actually'. He started going off about the stages of psychological development, most notabely 'self-actuallization' (sp?). It basically means that one has come to terms with what they should do and do it on their own behalf. This is opposed to the previous stage (or earlier, i can't remember) in which one does things to avoid conflict with their parent(s). Anywho, the point is that it is in many ways a different life for me at school. In many ways I am
not the same person at home and at school. My little theory is that I'm stuck between those two steps--leaning back and forth depending on my location. Taking this into consideration, I think I am longing for that push in the right direction by getting back to school after a whole summer away from my other self. But, hey, it may just be that cable Internet connection that I'm longing for...
Also, I
have started work on a ldd redesign. It's progressing quite well. I just need a few people to tell me 'no' every now and again to keep it from getting overdone. Purple monkey dishwasher.
The car directly in front of me belonged to a handicapped lesbian. Why do I know this? Her license plate said so. Handicap symbol and pink triangle stickers everywhere! I counted about twenty six stickers, from gay pride to tolerance, from equality to POW/MIA.
My turn up, so I gave inspection person my papers and stood against the wall. Before I left the car, I had my stereo playing Metallica just to see if the inspection people liked it. I guess they didnt. My stereo was turned off when I got back into my car. And I failed inspection, too.
Help
by Prozack (8/12/2003 @ 5:42 PM)
I am out of control. I must be stopped. My body has thrown away the old schedule of waking up and going to sleep at decent times. As it stands now, anything goes. I could be napping while you are eating breakfast. I am most likely wide awake and have most of my energy when people are ready for bed. Also, the drug abuse has to stop. . .
I was woken up by both alarm clock and mother this morning so my doctor could stab me in the arm. Cure me! Seriously. I need to get back to myself one month ago. Even one month ago, I was an under control, respectful, social butterfly and now Im a rampant, crazed, night owl. I lost my job, but Ill post about that when I stop going insane. HAHAHA. Fuck. I feel insane, but then I suppose if I were truly going insane, I wouldnt recognize it. Maybe I should be accepting and nurturing of my insanity, because a change in lifestyle brings options. Doing things differently than how they were previously performed before can actually be life altering. So should I adore any psychosis I am currently experiencing? Should I appreciate the slanted perspective Im now seeing? I suppose the most extreme way to experience life is to bring about change in yourself and go with itE Did that make sense? In my mind it did. This is a rough idea that has come to me, and is yet unrefined. Changes open awareness; leaves ignorance. . . Something like that.
hey, wood... we should post something
by Metal Mike (8/12/2003 @ 12:46 AM)
yeah, i never post.
hm, lets see....well, my band broke up, which kind of sucked, but then again, we kind of sucked, so i guess its all for the best.
ive been working a lot, a lot. i work seven days a week, and at first i hated itm but then when i thought about it, i realized i probabyl wouldnt be doing anything valuable with my time anyway. id probably just waste it sleeping late and sitting around wishing i had something to do. at least this way i learn things, meet people, go places, and last but not least, get paid.
ive been practicing my guitar in almost all of my free time, and im actually seeing some improvement, which makes me somewhat happy, because ive always been absolutely disgusted with my playing. but then again, the greatest musician ive ever known told me that all good musicians hate their own playing. otherwise, they'd never push themselves to progress.
lately ive been weaving in between depression and awe. its funny because ill experience both at the same time, because of the same event, place, or object. its wonderful and terrible. more wonderful than terrible, though.
"....there's so much beauty in the world..." its so true that i can't stop thinking it. there are so many great people everywhere. at the same time there are so many worthless ones. endless questions to ask, and endless answers for each. there are so many great things being created, but at the same time there are so many being destroyed and/or forgotten. there's so much to do/see/absorb once you leave this stupid city, i hope i get to see some of it.
sometimes i honestly wonder if everyone else feels as confused and worried and hopeful and amazed and lonely angry sublime as i do. i wonder if i just feel this way because of my age, if ill grow out of it, which makes me wonder what exactly happens to make me grow out of it? will i just develop more or less of some chemical in my brain? will i find some great knowledge? have i already? and if its not something people grow out of, how the hell do they go about living the lives they do?
for most of my life that i can actually remember, ive always been sort of shy, on that i restrain myself from taking chances. this leaves me with a million questions beginning with "what if.." regrets beginng with "damn, i wish i had..." . its just now starting to get to the point where they are all adding up and making me angry enough at myself to take a few small chances and in the process see that failing at least rules out one end of the equation.
damn i wish i had seen metallica when they came around.
yes metallica still remains my favorite band of all time and even though i think this album is the worst work theyve ever done, i still think it slits the throat (in a good way) of most of the 1984-kaleidoscopic "music" being made these days.
alright, thats plenty of rambling. rather than complain that we dont post enough here, go see gvendolyn; she's amazing.
ugly joe is doing well too. i never thank him enough for being so kind as to give us this outlet and for putting up with my shit. (yeah, im the one who always maims the ???) and he knows his shit.
Enhance your calm.
by Shmike (8/8/2003 @ 2:59 AM)
What the hell am I doing here?
The day has been kind of wierd. Sharp. Like the world had been stretched out into a wire, so thin as to be sharp. I shouldn't drink coffee anymore, being half crazy, but I do. I probably shouldn't do alot of things. If I listened to doctors I'd probably be chained to my television and popping Paxils like skittles. I don't need that. I have a computer to be chained to, and plenty of real skittles.
And all this talk about gay rights has been seeping into my head. Like that all-gay school Prozack wrote about, which is such a great idea. Hell, I don't think they've taken it far enough. Look folks, there's no way two groups of human beings with different opinions are going to be able to coexist in the same space for long. No way at all. It's not as if people can, overtime, grow accustomed to each other and learn to respect and tolerate different yet harmless moral choices. It's not as if such a thing is good for an evolving society. Poppycock!
Yeah, I think it's a dumb idea. But I doubt the idea will spread. Besides, homosexuality is so well placed in most of modern society's psyche that I can't imagine it being much of an issue a couple decades from now. Maybe sooner.
You know that other story about the gay priest? I saw a bit about that on television once. The big question, of course, was "Is it a sin?", which is a pretty dumb question. Of course it's a sin. Isn't having sex in any position other than missionary a no-no for christians as well? And sex before marriage? I'm sure there are tons of others. The Pope can raise his raisin-skinned hand any time and declare all sorts of new sins. Did you know it's a sin to watch The Last Temptation Of Christ?
They said that they are just now beginning to understand the nature of God, what he wants and doesn't want, which is amazing given the time we've had to figure it out. God bugs me, or at least the idea of one that requires constant adulation and is reluctant to say exactly what he wants without a middle man does, but that's an entirely different rant.
So what was I talking about? Whatever, forget it.
Do you realize that if Arnold actually was elected governor of California it'd bring us that much closer to living in the world of Demolition man?
a blip to break the perfect little thin green line
by Ugly Joe (7/31/2003 @ 9:38 PM)
This guy i work with retired today. He's been working there for about nine years. He was there when the store went up. Needless to say, the guy is pretty old. Anyway, he was always full of stories. Most of them were pointless stories of his youth...how he blew up some stuff, how he flew model planes, how it was easier to get volatile chemicals way back when. That sort of stuff. There's no particular story that stands out. I liked him more for his experience in dealing with management. He knew how they acted. He'd been through more of their crap than anyone. He'd seen them come and go and all do the same things over and over. One thing he told me stood out for a while. He told me that out of all the years he'd worked there, he'd never heard a 'good job' or 'looks good'. It's always 'now do this' or 'do it better' or 'it's about time'. Never a positive remark. And this is after nine years. I just sort of laughed and said 'well, good job'. We both got a small laugh out of the whole thing, but it was more of a false sense of humor. We both knew how terrible it actually was. So, today he got his little going-away party. He was almost at a loss for words (which is pretty stunning for his character). Among his gifts, he got a trophy for being the first to retire from the store. He had never received a trophy before. At his lunch, he got birthday balloons. He had never received balloons before. Never. All this made that little thing he told me come back around to me. I mean, in all 62 years of his existence, no balloons.
I guess none of this makes much sense to anyone else (at least it seems that way). I don't really know how to express it. How a man could work all his life and not get any kind of thanks just seems mind-boggling to me. Maybe i just listen to too many sad songs and am making this out to be a story to fit such a song. I dunno.